Owls

My Common Room Swap package came today and brought me to tears. Full of wonderful goodies and love from Lisa130. I was ashamed to tell people in TOK that I had to resign because of all the crap that's happening here.

No one called me to let me know the arrangements for Gina. I found it in the Register online. And then as I was opening my package and seeing owl wrapping paper I remembered how Gina used to collect owls back when Anthony was born and they lived next to Tiny Town. One of my son's very first words was 'owl'. What I wouldn't give to have it all back for just a few hours.

Picked up my new glasses today and three more books from the library.

Donna called me and invited me for supper but I told her I have to conserve gas - can't take a chance on using gas to go all the way up there and back. Hopefully in a month or so things will be better.

Ok. Not about me. But really I am so miserable with the heat and the having to move and with Gina dying and now I guess I'm having flashbacks to Allen dying and not having been allowed to say goodbye. And then all of his illness and dying and Andy and Gina and Arlene never once calling ME - the person who loved him as much as they did, for most of my life - and letting me know anything. And for not allowing me to go to his services and for not one of them telling ME I'm sorry like I didn't have any right at all to mourn just because we were divorced. Us splitting was supposed to negate everything that we'd meant to each other at one time. I know, obviously, it wasn't the same anymore but that didn't mean I didn't love him still and deeply - only differently.

And for Gina to throw me away and Andy too after all how close we'd been through the years. And now she dies and obviously, very obviously no one needs to say I'm sorry to me but I'm still not part of the family since I have the read the arrangements in the freaking newspaper. And I don't mean Andy or Tell because they're so torn and hurt now. But at least Arlene, who lost a sister,  not just a sister-in-law, that's how close they used to be. We all were. At these times Arlene just tosses me away and that hurts most of all because she was always the best of them all and I thought we were like sisters. I keep forgetting that I really am nobody.

Ok I am just hot and hurting and scared and venting. I'll be over this before the wake. Before the night is over. I don't like me when I'm miserable.