Convention time

Off to Sturbridge tomorrow for the CT Elks convention. It's supposed to be yucky hot but if I tolerate it like I did last year, I'll be golden. Last year was supposedly the hottest summer on record and yet I thought it was one of the best. Go figure!

Anyway we're also supposed to go to the Book Barn in Niantic. I hope we do.

Stomach ich

I don't know if my IBS is acting up or what but I came home from the lodge and had to run to the bathroom. I think I'm going to bed now. Hopefully the Immodium will kick in.

Had gone to the lodge to finish the bulletin. We're done for June, thank God.

Back to normal

If this can be called normal. No Pino here in my room. No Lou in my life. But back to everyday stuff. Went to work and went to the officer's meeting at the Elks. Semi fought with Carol. I wish that part wasn't normal. *sigh*

Talked to Sandy for awhile on the phone -- we haven't gotten together in a long time really. Maybe a few weeks ago and then a long time before? I don't know. This weekend I've got the convention then we have the open house at historical society the next weekend. Then the Saturday after that is Derby Day and then Sandy has faire the next three weekends. Then maybe we can have a normal Saturday. In the meantime we're going to try to get together for a Sunday before faire starts.

Well as weird as life is nowadays, it's still my life.

I made a hexi with that awesome, unique wool that I bought at Knit New Haven and that's my Lou hexi. I made it while she was still breathing. I embroidered "Lou" onto it -- what a crappy job! I'm no artist like she was. I'm going to make hexis with all the rest of that wool and then they'll be my Lou hexi's and I'll incorporate them into my Beekeepers Quilt -- maybe it will be a lap quilt or maybe bigger but it will always remind me of Lou.

Wow

Went to walk in the parade with the Elks this morning and then came home. I made kielbasa and I'm in my room with the door closed.

Laid down for awhile and now all is well.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

My best friend, Lou, is gone. The sun is shining bright in Heaven and I won't be able to call her and tease her when it snows. I wasn't there when she left although I should have been. Darryl texted me around 6"45 to tell me she'd made it through the night, was colder but still here. I asked if I should come right up or would an hour be ok. He thought an hour would be ok. I putzed around and took my time getting dressed and stuff -- I can't even remember what I was doing -- and was heading out a little after eight. That's when he texted me to say she was gone. I will miss her forever.

We stayed up there with her for about four hours. She looked so peaceful finally.

I couldn't stay home and think so I went to the Ansonia parade and sat with Anthony's old girlfriend, Jen, and her boyfriend and Brian, my photographer friend, and his wife, Ally. I tried to hide from the Rennies but some of them saw me and I had to wave. Tory came and gave me a hug.

Then I went to Anthony's, where I'd parked my car and said hello to my Pino and went home. A little later Peggie called and we went to Yvonne's cookout and then the lodge for a little while. Now I'm home and just want to sleep.

I have to be at the lodge at 7 a.m. tomorrow because four of us are marching in the parade.

Still here still

I got up late -- around 10:30 and then did the post office thing and went to see Pino for a few minutes so I got to Lou's around 12:30. I stayed until five or six and then came home and ate.

Went back around seven and just got home a little while ago. She's still with us. Anthony can't go. I do understand. He's an awful lot like his father in this.

I'm going to go to sleep now and hopefully in the morning get a little cleaning/sorting done before going back up there. I don't know how much longer this can go on and I'm very upset that they don't even check her vitals. I know she had a DNR but how do they know where she's at if they only come in every 4 hours and give her meds and do nothing else? They came in once to check and see if she needed changing. That's it.

The palm of her hand is starting to look mottled and to me that means the end is near. When I ever turned Mommy's hand over when I was in the hospital with her and her palm was purple -- that's when the nurse told me to get Rita right back because it was going to be very soon. And it was. I am so nervous and keep checking Lou's hands.

Dear Lord, please take her home soon.

And still

Went to the nursing home after work and she's still the same. How could she be the same when she's not being hydrated nor given nutrition?? But she is. I don't know if she can hear us but I think she might. While I was alone with her I told her Liana and Lillian and Taboo were waiting for her and my father and mother and maybe Allen. I asked her to give him a hug and kiss from me and to tell him his kids need him because they're battling worse than when they were children. I told her to feel free to visit me anytime as long as she doesn't scare me.

I don't really want her to go. I love her.

Still here

Lou's still with us but barely. She's breathing but they're not giving her any hydration or nutrition. That is so wrong to me but maybe that was her wish. Darryl and Sabrina were wondering the same thing. I went there after work and stayed until 9:00. I'll go back after work tomorrow and I'll keep going back as long as it takes. I want to be there when she goes, if at all possible.

God is good to me. Fr. McGivney is amazing. I've been asking for financial help and today I got $2 in the mail - cash - from a survey company that paid in advance for a survey I can't even take. And in the other envelope was my Visa gift card from ATT -- $100. I so desperate need this. Thank you God and thank you Fr. McGivney.

I haven't seen my Pino in two days. Tomorrow I will try to get over there but Anthony is never there when I can go.

She asked for me

Lou is going home to be with Lianna and Lilliana very soon. I got a call around one that it was time to go say goodbye. The boys asked her if she wanted them to call anyone and she asked for me. For me. This is so crazy. I HATE cancer. I HATE it!

I left work -- thank God for Paulette -- and I went right to Shelton to Hewitt. She's getting morphine every hour and atavan. But when I got there I told her I love her and she managed to say "I love you." She didn't speak again. We think she can still hear us but not respond.

I am home now and will go to work in the morning and right to Hewitt afterwards. I am praying that this ends soon but I would like to be there when she goes. I told Dorian to call me if anything happens, even in the middle of the night. If I really have to take off tomorrow, I will. It's just that Missy will be out and I hate leaving Paulette in the lurch.

Darryl said she wants no service or anything. She just wants to be cremated and have her ashes mixed with Lianna's and spread somewhere nice. I'd like to be there too when they do that, wherever it is. We've so many years together and love that never ended.

I fucking HATE cancer!

Pino again

Anthony took him to the vet and it ended up costing over $400. He managed to get together the rest of the money. They did an xray which showed arthritis in his back. We already knew that. And they said his bladder was full and he couldn't pee. They were thinking bladder infection and gave him an antibiotic shot and gave Ant pills to give him at home. That's where he lives now. At Anthony's. It tears me apart not to see him here in my room or in the kitchen but it's better for him and he IS happy. He doesn't have any stairs to climb and can go out easily. I was over twice today and took him out three times and he's peeing and he didn't go in the house at all yet.

Ant's going to give me a key so I can go when I need or want to.

Went to an Elks meeting tonight.

I miss Pino

My Pino

I was with Yvonne working on the bulletin and Carol's Anthony called to tell me Pino was peeing blood. I started crying and told him I can't get him to a vet. I have no money. Next thing you know Yvonne is making me promise to take $100 from her and pay her back never. I told her I can't take it. She insisted and I said then I HAVE to pay it back. Her terms are pay back over a period of ten years with no interest. LOL!! When we went to the atm to get the money she shoved the envelope at me and took off. When I looked inside there was TWO hundred. I can only pray that someday I have spare money on hand at all times so I can pay it forward. I will pay her back so.mehow. Someday.

I called Anthony and I'm telling them here that he had the money -- Yvonne knows the situation here and wants no one but him to know she gave it to me. She's not even telling Spencer although she's using her own money. I'm going to call the vet as soon as they're open and see if they can get him in as soon as possible. Anthony asked me if I thought it was time to put him to sleep. I cried again and said of course not. I WILL NOT KILL HIM. I couldn't do that to a human. How could I do that to him? I'd never be able to live with myself. I just hope the vet can get him in and help us with the money we have. After he takes him to the vet, he'll take him to his house to live out his life. I'll go see him every day.

Good day so far

Went and volunteered at the historical society. They dedicated a portrait of Commodore Isaac Hull, the commodore of The U.S.S. Constitution, that was donated to the society. So I talked quite a bit with my friend Maria and had a nice day.

Home now and waiting for supper to be done.

Supper was excellent -- Carol is a great cook.

I have to figure out how to sew up something better to hold diapers on Pino. I have a makeshift thing but I need to do it with seams and velcro and maybe something that goes under his tail to prevent it from sliding forward. I haven't seen anything online that wouldn't slide. Bellybands are good but I don't think they'd stay put.

Newsletter

That's all we did. Worked on the newsletter, went to the diner and went to the awards ceremony. In between I took a nap. LOL!

Spiders at work

Big one appeared on my desk yesterday right between my mouse and keyboard. Missy came in and killed the bastard. Today there was one on the water fountain. Oh my God!

Paulette shooed me out of work today around 2:30 since no one was there. Today is commencement but in new Bridgeport.

Paid some bills

I caught up where I could and now I don't have to worry for a few weeks. The lawyer will though because I owe $700 still. I sent a check for $100, leaving six. Told them I'd TRY to send $100 per pay period but I don't think that will happen for awhile. Hopefully I can at least send $50 per pay period.

Went to the wake of a fellow Elk and participated in the Ritual. It was really moving, I thought.

Life

No matter what, I love my life. I love my daughter with all my heart. I love my son with all my heart. Today was a good day, even for Pino. His legs are still bad but not as bad as they could be. He's wearing diapers. I have to make him a real belly band instead of a make shift one.

I don't know what else to say at the moment.

Pino

Back to work today.  It felt like a Monday. So the week should fly by.

Anthony called last night and wanted me to go over and have a slice of pizza with him but I had been just about to eat. Pino has been so sick and his back legs don't want to hold him up to good anymore. I think I'm going to have to bring him to Anthony's. He'll be lonely because someone's here with him - or Zooey is here with him -- 24/7 but at least there's no stairs there and Ant can take good care of him. We'll have to see. 

And yet

The thing I can't talk about can be spoken of but not in social media and not in detail. What it is is Hotel Hell with Gordon Ramsay. We stayed at the Curtis House Saturday night and came home yesterday. Today we went back to critique to Mr. Ramsay. It was kind of cool but I wouldn't want to do that for a living. The show is supposed to be on in the Fall and that's all I can say until then.

Secret!

So last night and this morning were the thing I can't talk about and tomorrow I have to go back. In the fall sometime we'll be able to talk about.

Not remembering!

So after making that post the other night, I completely forgot to post last night. And it was kind of cool. We met with the co-producer's of the tv show. Saturday we go away over night. Monday we go and meet with them again just not at Donna's but where we're staying the night over the weekend. Sometime in the fall the show will be on and then we'll be free to talk about it. Another new experience. Pretty cool!

I had today off and went and got another temporary cap. Two down and two to go but the other two won't be done until after the end of the year. At least the brown tooth is gone now -- you think they would have told me caffeine would do that to the bonding. Grrrrrrr!! And I look human.

Went to the nursing home to see Lou but she was out cold. I kept poking her in the knee until she woke up but she just looked at me and smiled and said 'hi' and went back to sleep. I left her a note and came home.

She called me an hour or so later. Said she's taking morphine and it's making her sleep. She also said the hospice aide was there to help her out today. Hospice. I HATE cancer. Hospice means dying for real. At least the hospice people are good and kind.

My life goes on, I guess. Going to MEATO at the CWV tonight with Sandy and tomorrow will be packing and figuring out what to wear until Margaret picks me up around 1:00.

And I won two live lobsters, five ears of corn, a bag of potato chips, a pound of butter, a can of olives, a bag of salad and a bottle of wine!

Still remembering

I can't believe I'm still remembering to post most nights. Most times there's nothing to post about but I want to stay in the habit.

It rained today for the first time in a few weeks. Supposed to rain the rest of the week but it's something we need.

I forgot to say I finished a hexi which makes my goal for May (I posted a goal in the May KAL thread), one down and three to go. I did the whole thing on Sunday so I know I can do one a day if I have a mind to.

Have to go to Donna's tomorrow night to talk to someone about the weekend. I can't wait until I can post about it.

Amazing

This thing is really happening this weekend. I got a call from across the country. We meet on Thursday at Donna's and get our information. Then the weekend and Monday. I think after Tuesday I'll be able to tell what it is.

Work. Today was the Administrative worker's appreciation luncheon. I was supposed to meet Micky there but Paulette was out sick again today and Missy had to leave at noon. I was looking forward to sitting and visiting with Micky so hopefully she and I can get together for lunch one day soon instead. I hope Paulette feels better.

I have to make a belly band for Pino. He's peeing on the floor several times a day. Most of the time it's deliberate but lately he's just lying there and peeing and I can't tell if he's doing it on purpose or not. I am willing to bet that with a belly band he won't do it at all until he's outside.

Cultural Commission

It was a fun meeting tonight. Rich and Laura and Joel and Timmy were there and Georgiana and her husband and a girl from Ansonia who has a cupcake business and Dan Rivera. This should be very interesting.

Things are shaping up for our overnight trip. That's this weekend and should be even more interesting. And I don't think I even wrote about this yet because I can't. This is something I'll have to post about in depth when it's ok to speak about it.

Memories

Remembering Robert. My Godfather gave me so  much. My Magnus organ. My typewriter. Chanel #5 when I was 12. A trip to DC and Canada. Italy. He paid for half my two-wheeler when I saved up half. One of the first folding umbrellas ever made. Crocodile leather shoes. A bookbag when other kids used book straps. He made my bookcase -- and I still have it 50 years later.

Made a version of cicola bread today. Used frozen bread dough and sauteed bits of salt pork. It wasn't perfect but it worked.

Good day

It's been a long but good day. Today was the Elk's kid's fishing rodeo and I walked up to Osborndale from the apartment. It really isn't all that far -- definitely less than a mile. We had around 150 kids which was awesome. Laura and Joel were there with little Angela and they said they're going to try to get back on the Cultural Commission, which would be great.

Yvonne gave me a ride home and I made tortilla roll ups for the Cinco de Mayo thing tonight. Went down for that and had a great time just sitting with Yvonne and Spencer and a couple of their friends from the Bridgeport lodge.

A very good night overall. God is good.

Almost forgot

I went to bed around eight because my stomach was exploding I had taken six or seven Immodium in less than an hour.  Took a sleeping pill and didn't wake up until eleven.

Upcoming in ravelry -- I have the May card exchange, a great exchange called the TOKland Common Room Swap and I signed up for the May hex puff KAL.

The Elks Youth in Government Day has been switched from the tenth to the 23rd so I can't help there. I took Monday the thirteenth off to meet with Chef Ramsey about the investigation over the weekend. So far that really seems to be happening. And Margaret will be able to do the overnight thing with us.

That's about it for now.

No pizza truck

Because I'm donating to something or other at work -- something for the students, $2/paycheck -- I could have gone to the big green pizza truck but no one else was going for once. So I didn't. Oh well.

There's not enough paycheck to cover the bills. I might have to call the lawyer's and tell them I'm going to give them half of the $700 I owe on the 17th and the rest next month. They're they ones that told me to not pay bills -- utilities, etc. so I can get the money to pay them. And that's what I did but I think I'm too far behind. I don't know. I'm not bothering even thinking about it until after the weekend.

Oh my God. I just talked to Donna and she's got something lined up and if it's really true -- well Oh My God. If this is true it's going to be fantastic. But we can't talk about it until afterwards -- confidentiality thing. But HOLY CRAP!!!!!

Cosmic and broke

Tomorrow I will have more bills than money. Praying to Fr. McGivney for help. He's helped me so many times since I first 'met' him in New Haven a year and a half ago. I also pray for sainthood for him. I hope they do it while I can go. I WILL be there.

Cosmic was interesting tonight. It usually is but we played with apps and talked a lot. Anyway it's late and I'm off to sleep now.