Praising God!!

Oh my God! Miracles do happen and Yvonne is the proof. Spencer called and said she's out of the woods and off the ventilator and sitting up and talking and worrying about work and wanted him to call me and she's just doing so well. She's on a lower dose of morphine and of course still in lots of pain.

Her liver an spleen haven been sewn, her pelvis will be addressed tomorrow and her lung on Friday. Then they'll think about her bones. She's got weeks and weeks left in the hospital and then months in rehab. But she's back and with us and alive. And God is so wonderful and good!

Status quo

And that, to me, is a good thing. No bad news other than she's in a LOT of pain and she and Spencer are very tired.

Bob Cavanaugh passed away. I always liked him before he and Joanne got divorced. I guess he had cancer. What else. Bleh.

In gratitude

God is good. I knew that. I try hard to rely on Him and not take things into my own hands. I wish I could stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Bleh!

Anyway today has been a wondrous day so far:

Spencer called -- While Yvonne is still 50/50 and certainly nowhere near out of the woods, she's better. A teeny bit better. She's conscious, she's been talking to him, they took out the feeding tube and gave her water, they're going to try feeding her tonight. She still is in dire pain and on morphine and she'll never walk right again. She still has at least 25 hours of surgery ahead of her. But thank You God, she's better!

Anthony's ticket update - talked to two different court districts in Wyoming and everyone is so helpful. So far the ticket hasn't gotten to either yet and I have to call back at the end of the week. But one of them told me not to worry because the worst that would happen is that if he doesn't go to court, they'll send him a notice that he has to pay within 20 days or get his license suspended. No warrant will be issued.

ATT - talked with a customer service guy in New Haven and he was fantastic. Gave me lots of help and lots of info.

There was more but it keeps popping out of my head. Grrrrrr!

And Peggie is talking to me again. God help me! As long as she doesn't bring up what happened with the lease and stuff, it's ok. She wants me to tell her before I tell any of the other Elks whenever I get a progress report on Yvonne. *sigh*

Sooooooooo ... praying that the rest of the day, and possibly the rest of forever, brings only good and wonderful things for me and for all those I love!

Edited to add: Holy crap! I just got a call from Yvonne's good friend Brenda. She said I sent her a message last night with my phone number to call her about Yvonne. She didn't know. I DON'T REMEMBER SENDING HER A MESSAGE. I don't even know HOW I found her thing to send her one!

Still the same

Yvonne is still the same. Spencer said they still can't do surgery and her chances are at 50 percent. Praying real hard. I contacted Normand and let him know.

Rita and Tony got back late this afternoon and Pino and I are now home. Carol and Anthony are at Fort Bragg where they'll be spending the night and visiting with a friend of Anthony's.

My son Anthony called and he was sitting in a truck logging guys in and out of the site.

Everything for my kids seems to be going ok. One day at a time. God willing.

This place is kind of a mess though. I had to take out all the trash because they didn't have time to do that. And spent a few hours sorting stuff and wiping down stuff. If I do an hour or two a night, I'll make real progress.

Not good

Yvonne got in an accident around 6 a.m. three blocks from home. She's in St. Vincent's in critical condition. I found out through Tony who called me to see how she was doing. I didn't know. For all I know it could have happened days ago since I haven't talked with her in a few days.

I called Spencer and left him a voicemail. He called me back and was crying and crying and he said it's not good and she was in surgery and he wasn't sure she was going to make it through. That was around 1:45. It's almost 4 now and he hasn't called. I'm praying that's good news. But I also know I'm not his priority to call, he has her family and their own friends so I don't know if he'll even think of calling. I w

He just called. She came out of surgery =they had to repair her kidney and something else. Her blood pressure is all over the place and as soon as they get it under control they're bringing her back into surgery to remove a lung. Her entire left side is completely shattered as is her pelvis. The next 24 hours are critical. I asked him if he wanted me to call Calvin and he said yes. So I did. Spencer thinks if she makes it through this she'll never walk again. I said so what as long as she's alive and still Yvonne.

Chocolate cookies. I have to make him chocolate cookies. God please help her.

Losing time

I guess because I'm not in any kind of routine at the moment, I'm forgetting to post here. I know I don't post interesting things but I do try to post things that might job my memory here and there.

Well Lindsey and Bryce were married Thursday. Rita texted me a couple of pictures. Lindsey is so beautiful. I wish them a long and happy life together. She does deserve happiness.

Carol and Anthony are moving all their stuff to storage today and are leaving tomorrow, I guess. I'll miss them so much. They'll never see Pino again because more than likely, by the time they ever come to visit, he'll be gone. I hope not but the reality is he's very old and hurting. But I think he's pretty healthy other than that. I'll be bringing him home with me tomorrow so if the stairs don't kill him, he may just be around a while longer.

Anthony is ok with his job. It's long and tiring but he says it's not all that hard.

Going out with Sandy today for the first time in a long time except for that time a few weeks ago.

I hope Rita's tenants get out in the next week or so, so I can start moving. I'm not sure what will happen if they don't go. I have to be out of Louisa's by September first.

Thursday

Almost the weekend. I figured out the bills and can postpone stuff so I can pay Anthony's ticket and deposit some cigarette money in his account. He will pay me back next month. He might not be happy about me paying his ticket but the law out West is not like here. While everyone knows (even a few people at work told me this without me saying a word) that they target out-of-staters, he'd still fight it in court and get in deeper. This way it's over and hopefully he won't get pulled over again. I can't believe that they even fine you for going one single mile over the speed limit. That's insane!

And the crap keeps coming

Geez! So Rita is telling me that she told Tony that I didn't bring Pino because he thinks Pino is sick. Why the hell can't she just tell him the effing truth? So now I'm supposed to say I just brought him there the last day. Like I'm really going to be able to get rid of all the Pino fur and stuff. And worst that means they won't be keeping him there which means he'll have to do the stairs several times a day and I'll have to pray it won't kill him. My Poor puppy.

And God only knows if or when their tenants are moving so I'll just have to have faith that I'll have a place to live by mid-August.

I haven't heard from Anthony since Sunday and Karla's not returning my calls so I have no idea how my boy is doing. And Carol is leaving Saturday or Sunday and that will be the end there and I really hate all this.

In spite of everything I keep telling myself that life is good, it's wonderful.

Really raining

I woke up at 3 a.m. and that was the end of sleep for me until at least 8 a.m. Of course I didn't go to work. I woke up about 11 when the doctor called saying I could go get my prescription. They screwed up again but this time by giving me 60 pills instead of the 30 they've been giving me. They went back to my previous doctor's way. They're really screwed up. I did call my old doctor yesterday and will be going to her even though she's in Oxford.

So I actually finally went and got all my blood drawn for the lab tests I've been supposed to get too.

And Rita's dogs are finally letting me take them out since they think if I'm having something to eat, I'll share. I gave them a crumb each and they're now my friends.

It's been thundering a bit and the wind was kicking up. I haven't looked out the window but it sounds like it's finally raining.

Totally forgot to write in here

Wow! It just dawned on me that I haven't been in here since I was sleeping home. I've been sleeping here at Rita's since Saturday night. I brought Pino over yesterday and he loves it here. Somehow Tony has the idea that Pino pees and poops all over the place -- I told him about when he was sick and said he was ok now but apparently the sick part stuck in his head. Rita called me from Florida today saying Tony was flipping and we should say Pino wasn't here. Not going to do that. Besides, I think he'll notice whatever Pino fur I can't get cleaned up.

They are kind of hoarders here. It's very piled up. I've done a little cleaning and I am currently washing my clothes here. But it's hard to squeeze around in some areas. The kitchen and living room have lots of stuff but they are still roomy. I'm sleeping on the couch. Not going upstairs!

The dogs are being pretty good. They bark at Pino when they think of it and only one will go outside for me. The other, at least, goes on newspaper. Pino has been great, thank God! He loves that there's only four steps to go in and out and there's a nice big fenced-in yard to walk around in.

I like it because of the AC which is probably why I don't go out at all. I did go home for supper tonight but that's it. I took my shower here.

The UI bill came in -- $509. Just $250 of it is for last month alone. I will not miss having to pay for other people's electricity.

Yesterday I went to Chilli's with Roseann and Anita and then grocery shopping with them. I can't wait until I have some money so I can grocery shop too. One day soon. I hope.

I miss Lou.

Rain and packing

Carol and Anthony have been packing most of the day. Except for what they're using the rest of the week, it's all boxed up. After they go I'll have to clean and clean and clean and pack my own stuff up.

Haven't heard from Anthony yet today. Hope he's doing good.

It rained. Less than a minute. And that didn't help at all with the heat and humidity.

Going to Rita's later. Got to remember to ask if they've got internet.

It's 10:30 and I'm heading to Rita's now. Pino will stay here and I'll bring him there tomorrow. It's too late for him.

Tomorrow

I'll be spending the week sleeping at Rita's starting tomorrow night. Hoping this works out well. Hope I can do laundry there because I have to cash in change to get money for the laundromat - don't even know if there's enough.

Karla pretty much finished getting stuff out of Anthony's. I just have to get his cable boxes returned. He's been doing orientations and stuff and will start work on Monday.

Heat wave

I'm sure we surpassed last year. It's been in the 90s all week and they say it's the hottest (or maybe longest) heat wave in history. Don't you just love it? I live in New England because it's supposed to be cooler and we get tropical weather. I hope it's over tomorrow like they predict. YUCK! I almost passed out at Anthony's and it's got AC. Karla and I are still cleaning out.

Anthony called and he definitely has the job. He says Wyoming is total wasteland. Ugh! But he's in an apartment with bunks and they'll go to North Dakota on Sunday. He passed the physical and did orientation and tons of paperwork. God, I miss him and I hardly saw him.

Nebraska

That's where he was at last check in. Karla and I went over and took the trash out and picked up some of the stuff. Hopefully we'll finish tomorrow.

I talked the bankruptcy lawyer and he closed the case until I can come up with a lump sum of $550. Yeah right. I also looked at the ctgov site and see that starting 7/22 I will have my wages garnished around $140 or more a month. Great, huh?

Holy crap. This heat - record breaking from what I hear - has given me a memory. Something I haven't thought of in a million years. I remember when I was a teenager how Mommy loved wearing halter tops in the summer. There was a particular style out back then - kind of like a straight top triangle with a string to tie around your neck and another under the bust to tie in back. And I remember taking one and just making a pattern out of it and making up a bunch of them for both of us. Wow! I hadn't thought of that in so many years. And looking back, if I were around 16 or 17, Mommy was close to 50 if not a bit beyond. And she had a great figure still.

Indiana

Anthony called around 5:30 and has gotten to Indiana. He didn't leave until 4 a.m. and as of 7 a.m. was in Pennsylvania. So far his car is working good. Thank God.

And Pino is doing good so far. I think I hurt my back but there's nothing I can do about this. I need to help him up and down the stairs.

Ant just called, it's 9:22 here and he's just crossed the Mississippi into Iowa. I didn't know the Mississippi was anywhere near Iowa. I knew I was geographically impaired!! He says he has about 13 more hours of driving to do. He's going to sleep a little - he's in a truck stop area - and then continue one. He says he'll be in Wyoming tomorrow.

He left

My boy just left. I'm devastated. Half of my heart is gone and the rest will be gone in two weeks. God please keep him safe and healthy. At least with my beautiful little girl I don't have to worry about stuff like that. She'll be with family. He'll be all alone. And so will I. I will miss my babies so very much.

Thanking God

So things are progressing on this end. Only one step left here in the worry department. My beautiful boy came by this  morning, after my precious daughter left for work, so I thought that would take care of that. He brought my pressure canner and some of his stuff. He and Anthony sat and talked for a few hours. After I got out of the dentist I called him and he said he was going to leave tonight. So I went and got Pino after work. It's going to be really hard schlepping him up and down the stairs but I'll do what I have to. Now Anthony is leaving tonight (I hope and pray he makes it there ok and on time - his car is not great). And he'll stop by with some more stuff. So the last hurdle will be please, God, don't let him and his sister have any issues. Let him leave in peace.

I will have to clean his place out - he just couldn't get it all done. But I can do that.

I told Louisa and she took it well. She offered to let me have the place for $900 but I told her I just couldn't afford the electricity and gas and I couldn't bring Pino up and down the stairs. That was nice of her though.

One step at a time

I went to Anthony's to let Pino out and, other than his eyes, he's all perky. Of course he has a hard time getting up of the floor but he's kind of trying to prance around and stuff. Something is wrong with his eyes - he's got lots of white slimy gunk that we'll have to keep wiping out until Anthony gets some money to send me to have him checked out.

I took Anthony's coffee maker which is almost new, and my frying pan and spatula and Ant's knives. Later I'll take my pot and the cutting board and whatever else he hasn't give away. Oh yes, I'm taking his mop and broom also.

I talked to Rita and she has Daddy's chain and I'll pick that up later for Anthony. Anthony, for the first time in a long time, didn't pitch a fit at the mention of her name.

Next hurdle - still - is telling Louisa. Tomorrow when I take Pino home will be the time. God help me. :)

Coming together

At least I think so. Prayers are definitely being heard and some answered.

So far today -
Rita called and said the rent will be $25 cheaper than what she originally said.
We decided I'll stay here through August so as to give Louisa a chance.
We'll start moving stuff in as soon as her tenant is out and move in completely after Lindsey's wedding reception on August 10.
I'll be staying at Rita's while she's in Florida and Pino will be with me. This way I can take care of her dogs.
She said there's still some of my stuff there in boxes. Hopefully my Dolly Parton autograph and picture, the little nun doll Darlene sent me, and the hand written journal that I'd gotten at an antique store back in the early 70's.
They will be getting me a refrigerator somehow.
The dryer and freezer can go on the porch.
And best of all, Roseann called and hasn't even read those melt down emails I sent her. I begged her to please delete them without reading them. Told her I didn't want our friendship affected in any way. Hopefully she'll do that.

All in all it's been a good day. The only worries I have left right now are getting Anthony set on his way with no incidents. Please God let both of them act like adults! Getting Pino up and down these stairs for the next six weeks minus the time at Rita's, and telling Louisa.

I'm thinking if Rita's tenants get out - as soon as they get out -- I can move my mattress up there, or the whole bed, and start spending nights there with Pino. Or something like that. Just come here to cook and be moving stuff and cleaning. I'll figure something out there.

Oh and the other worry - and I'm going to figure out something with the help of God -- is money. I need to be able to pay stuff to keep stuff from being shut off. Catch up. And then be able to turn stuff on at the other place. And then pay the lawyer so we can get this bankruptcy thing over and done with.

Went to St. Mary's Festival with Roseann and Anita. :)

Goodbye Auntie Gina and other things

Other things -- I emailed Roseann asking, begging, to borrow money. I'm so ashamed that I am at this point again. Actually worse, I think. I did tell her I'd understand if she said no. I just hope that it won't spoil our friendship either way.

Rita was at the wake and told me they lost their tenant. I told her she should have told me last week and I would have moved back. I would have. She's my sister and I loved living there until the crap started and I'd take a chance again. But I already signed a lease with Peggie. I have to tell Louisa in the morning. I hate this.

And then the wake. I was made to feel like family from almost everyone. If Allen and Gina were alive and there it would have been like it used to be. I can't believe Gina is gone. They had her dressed in her favorite Patriot's jersey which was awesome.

Timmy and Jen came up

This is from the 10th and I don't know why I didn't hit publish then. And I don't know what more I was planning on saying.

Is suicide painless?

How much pain must a ten year old be in to want to kill herself? One of the faire people's little girl committed suicide. I didn't know the little girl but I was acquainted with her mother. Faire people may be a little different but they love their kids fiercely. God help poor Shannah to deal with the loss of her little girl.

Went to MEATO with Sandy tonight. Didn't win anything.

Anthony is leaving Monday morning. I'm missing him so very much already. Then Carol, Anthony and Allena will be leaving in two weeks and I'll miss them horribly. But I'm praying that they all find their peace and happiness and someday remember the love they had (and still have buried deep) for each other. And I pray that I find my peace and happiness too. But without them it will be difficult. Even though we fight and yell a lot, we love each other deeply.

Wake and stuff

We said our final goodbye's to Gina today. I still can't believe it. They had a repast at the VFW and Tim and Arlene made a place at the table for me with them and Joey and Sheila, etc. It was a good feeling to be part of family again for a bit. Horrible reason though.

I called Peggie and told her I'm not taking the apartment and she's pissed. Understandably so but I need to be with my sister and it's cheaper at my sister's and I can't deal with Peggie and her demands and stuff. I don't know when the apartment will be free so I haven't told Louisa yet. She's the last hurdle. I told Anthony and he's not happy at all about this but I asked him to try to understand. I just hate the shit he must have gone through with Tony - some of the stuff he said pierced my heart. If Allen and I had even the slightest idea how bad it was - drugs and more - he would have never been allowed to go with him. He actually said that he saw things that a kid should never be allowed to see. I froze and didn't ask him what he meant because I'm afraid to know. I thought I knew it all. I don't want to know. But for the sake of my sanity and my relationship with my sister, I'll pretend to tolerate being around Tony again.

I don't understand how our lives have come to this.

And still it keeps coming

No one has money. Anthony is going to ask to borrow money from the family. I pray they trust in him and lend it to him. He WILL pay them back. I may end up asking a friend to borrow money as much as I hate to and I WILL pay it back. I really hate money. But these transitions can't be made without it and they have to be made.

Seb will be at the wake. I'm praying nothing happens there that involves me or my kids. I hate living like an insane person. So I'll just keep having faith that all will go well. Tim and Jennifer will be there. Tim is one of the ones that threw me away but is all sweet when we talk. Jennifer is the goddaughter that I failed. I never had money or means to be a proper godmother to her. I will be happy to see them and they will at least pretend to be happy to see me. Maybe they really will be happy.

Owls

My Common Room Swap package came today and brought me to tears. Full of wonderful goodies and love from Lisa130. I was ashamed to tell people in TOK that I had to resign because of all the crap that's happening here.

No one called me to let me know the arrangements for Gina. I found it in the Register online. And then as I was opening my package and seeing owl wrapping paper I remembered how Gina used to collect owls back when Anthony was born and they lived next to Tiny Town. One of my son's very first words was 'owl'. What I wouldn't give to have it all back for just a few hours.

Picked up my new glasses today and three more books from the library.

Donna called me and invited me for supper but I told her I have to conserve gas - can't take a chance on using gas to go all the way up there and back. Hopefully in a month or so things will be better.

Ok. Not about me. But really I am so miserable with the heat and the having to move and with Gina dying and now I guess I'm having flashbacks to Allen dying and not having been allowed to say goodbye. And then all of his illness and dying and Andy and Gina and Arlene never once calling ME - the person who loved him as much as they did, for most of my life - and letting me know anything. And for not allowing me to go to his services and for not one of them telling ME I'm sorry like I didn't have any right at all to mourn just because we were divorced. Us splitting was supposed to negate everything that we'd meant to each other at one time. I know, obviously, it wasn't the same anymore but that didn't mean I didn't love him still and deeply - only differently.

And for Gina to throw me away and Andy too after all how close we'd been through the years. And now she dies and obviously, very obviously no one needs to say I'm sorry to me but I'm still not part of the family since I have the read the arrangements in the freaking newspaper. And I don't mean Andy or Tell because they're so torn and hurt now. But at least Arlene, who lost a sister,  not just a sister-in-law, that's how close they used to be. We all were. At these times Arlene just tosses me away and that hurts most of all because she was always the best of them all and I thought we were like sisters. I keep forgetting that I really am nobody.

Ok I am just hot and hurting and scared and venting. I'll be over this before the wake. Before the night is over. I don't like me when I'm miserable.

She's gone

Gina. I hate this shit.

Dying

Gina is dying. Now. Fuck this shit.

Faire

I met Roz and her daughter at faire and we spent about four hours there. How strange it was to have people glance away from me or treat me like I never was part of it. Only Lee and Brenda actually talked to me. Mia made a pretense of being glad to see me and Carlos said hello.  Mostly everyone else either gave me a quick hello hug and then ran off or, like Marci, ignored me completely. Oh well.

It's brutally humid so it makes the heat so much worse. I'm very sticky and not dealing as well as I did last year -- the supposedly hottest summer in recorded history.

Wow!!

So I'm getting the apartment and I have to tell Louisa and I don't want to. I am going to shoot for August 15th and pay each a half month rent. I'm praying that Louisa gives me our $1,000 deposit but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I signed the lease. Binding until August 31, 2014. *sigh* I sure hope I know what I'm doing.

Coming together

Both my babies (and Laney and Ant) will be gone in a few weeks. God, I will miss them all so much. But I think things are coming together. Prayers are definitely being heard.

I went to Peggie's for lunch and a movie this afternoon and her apartment is still open. I looked at it again and it would suit me very well. And I could bring Pino and it's first floor so it would work out for him. I promised her he doesn't pee in the house. If he's taken out enough, he won't.

Anyway she has a couple looking at it this weekend and will give them a week to decide. If they don't take it, it's mine at $900/month heat included. I'd have to pay two months security but could do payments. Her entire electric bill is only $82/month and she has five rooms with AC in at least two of them so that wold be soooo affordable. And gas hot water which shouldn't be more than $50/month. God-willing, I can do it if He gives it to me. I told her I would be able to go in on 9/1 if they don't take it.

We'll see what happens.

Reading

I'm so glad I'm back in reading mode. I'm reading the last Greywalker book that I got from the library, have another library book waiting to be read and just ordered the latest Mercy Thompson book, Frost Burned, from interlibrary loan. I'm on a roll again!

And I'm trying to add what I've read and what I need/want to read onto Goodreader. Now all I have to do is remember to go there.

A nice day

Regular day at work except Rick brought me some pasta e chicheri which I'll have for lunch tomorrow. YUM!! He's such a sweetheart!

Then I went for my mammo - I'm still sore from that and then picked up Sandy and we went to the Chinese buffet and sat and ate and talked for a few hours. It was very nice.