End of November

November 2014. Will I always remember that that is when I killed my Pino? I hope so. I'm praying that December is a wonderful month.

Went to breakfast with Sandy and then ran to Target and here. That's it.

Tree lighting and my Pino

I picked up Sam this morning and we went to eat Chinese, then to Ocean State and then went to pick up my Pino's ashes. I can't believe he's nothing but a small tin of ashes. It hurts so much. I miss him terribly.

On a better note, the tree lighting was wonderful except that the mayor didn't show up and didn't even say he was sorry. He had a good reason - his brother's wedding rehearsal, but we didn't know about that until afterward. Just that he didn't bother showing up or letting us know. If we had enough advance notice we could have asked Anita to come up.

Chris and I met up with Patty Pandolfi (Degnan) and her husband and went to the Elks afterwards. Ronnie Culmo was there too. Another mini reunion.

Happy Thanksgiving

Rita and I made a few things. I totally killed the nut cups because the stove started smoking and we had to take them out early and I forgot how much longer they had. LOL!! But we made a few other things and went to Bryce's parents for dinner. They are very nice.

Just got back and am about to watch Lady Gaga's Thanksgiving special. I miss my Pino and I think I have to pick up his ashes tomorrow.

Death

Chris was looking at one of the Derby Facebook pages to find who the latest of our classmates is who died and I saw Tom Baliciano's name. He DIED. I guess because Yale cut his heart but I thought he was going to be ok. I didn't know. He died on the 20th and was buried today. I wish I had known so I could have gone to the wake. Rest in peace Tom.

Spent the evening with Chris and Vinny and had Vinny sign my yearbook. LOL!!

It was flurrying a little between the rain drops on my way home. I wonder it that means Mommy and Pino are thinking about me? I hope so.

Giving thanks

The storm wasn't ferocious. At least it wasn't here. It wasn't even as bad as that storm a few summers ago. Thank God!

And tonight is Valley New Year. I'm meeting Chris Gorzelany at the Elks. Vinny will probably show up too. Who would have thought, all those years ago, that I'd be hanging out with them? LOL!!!

Made the dough for nut cups and have two pumpkin pies baking in the oven. I love this time of year!!

Pino loved pumpkin pie. I miss him.

Ferocious storm coming

We're supposed to have downpours, strong winds, possible tornadoes tonight into tomorrow. It's only lightly raining now. Don't even need the wiper blades going full. I hope it peters out and travelers will have an easy trip.

Monday -- short week

Work flew by today and we only have another day and half or so to go. Then four days off!

My November tea swap came -- such wonderful things. Lots of tea, some wonderful stitch markers - one has an owl, a project bag with a little stitch marker bag, a mug with a knit mug warmer and a chocolate bar. YUM!

Lazy day

Ran to CVS and then came home. It's a Doctor Who marathon because it's the 50th anniversary.

Me and Ruffio have been sitting here watching tv. I've been working on my TOKMAS stuff. Little things but hopefully I'll have a lot. I found Pino's leash and have it on my shelf. I hung his choke chain on my rear view mirror. Every time I go downstairs I expect to see him there and he's not there. I'm having a hard time knowing it was me that made the decision to kill him. Saying "kill" is harsh but it's reality. I killed him. My baby Pino.

Have a cultural commission meeting at seven.

A little addendum. Rita and I went up to the attic. My box of stuff with the nun doll that Darlene game me and the journal from the antique store, are not up there. There are two rubbermaid containers with quilting stuff, which is good and there was a box of odds and ends with stuff that I thought was long gone. Rita also gave me the Last Supper painting that Allen did for Mommy. It was a paint by numbers but he worked months on it and it hung in the living room forever. Well for as long as they were there.

Anyway, I kind of slipped and my foot went between the beams and down through the bedroom ceiling. Tony didn't blow when I told him. I told him I'd pay for it. The hole is only around 25"x25" and shouldn't be hard to fix. I hope he doesn't pitch a fit when I'm not here. It was an accident.

Yvonne

Wow is she doing great. She looks great! A little thinner than before but she's walking with a walker and doing fantastic. All she has left to heal is one foot. What a difference from last time I saw her. I went up and spent a few hours with her catching up and drinking coffee.

Just now I had a passing thought that I need to call Allen and let him know I'm moving. My God!

Good day

Without my Pino but thinking of him. I miss him so much even though he's only been gone a day. Went to work and made it ok. Came home, took a shower and went to the Elks to meet up with Chris and Monica. Monica and I talked about the apartment and we'll do ok as roommates. But now we have to wait because the fire marshal says they have to build another set of stairs. That will help me but I hope Rita and Tony are ok with me being here another month.

Run Peeny Run

My sister and I brought my Pino to the vet's at three today and he went to forever sleep. I cuddled him the whole time until he was gone. Fifteen years he's been a major part of my life. He was my other son. He loved me unconditionally. He's in heaven now. I have to believe that. He's with Jesus jumping anr running in the snow. Oh how he loved the snow! Maybe he's with Mommy walking in the snow. She lived it too. He's with Allen eating Hostess cupcakes and having coffee. He's with Lou being petted and loved. I will miss him and love him always and forever.

Tomorrow

Oh my God. I don't know how I'm going to do this or make it through. Tomorrow I will be holding Pepino while they put him to sleep. Kill him. My baby Pino. I only hope and pray that I'll be able to live with myself. In my heart I believe it's the right thing. The vet says the same. I can't stand to let him suffer and howl and stuff anymore. I hope Allen will be there with Hostess cupcakes for him. I'm so heart-broken.

Room mate?

Looks like Monica, Laura's mom, and I will be roommates. So far I don't see why not. Even if we're squished, it will still be good to have another person around and definitely to share the expenses. I like her and I think it will work. I'm going to try and see the place tomorrow. The landlord told Laura and Joel I can start moving in. If Monica will be sharing the cost of security AND first month's rent, I'll do it. If not, I'll have to wait a little. Laura is getting paid to clean the place tomorrow. I'm excited about this.

Pino -- I'm so grateful for my baby boy dog. I'm also afraid he's on his way to Heaven. He's been acting horribly this week. He's peed in the house several times and he's been howling and he's losing so much weight and the fur off the tip of his tail and his cheekbones are sharp. I don't want him to die. I don't want him to suffer. I will not have him killed.

Monday, Monday

I like Mondays. I like every day. God is good to me. I'm grateful for all the good things and people in my life.

My day

Grateful for my life. It really has been good in spite of how I sometimes feel. Grateful that my Pino is still here and grateful for my little Ruffio. Grateful that I'm getting along with my sister and Tony.

Going to Thanksgiving dinner at Bryce's family. I may be repeating myself but this will be the first Thanksgiving I've spent with my sister in years and years.

Went to buy a washing machine with Roseann and Anita and then went to Biagettis for supper and then Roseann's for birthday cake for Anita.

Of course I Facebooked Carol to wish her a happy birthday. Can't remember if I called her or not. Wow am I pathetic.

Four years

Four years ago he left without a goodbye to me. I still miss him so much. I miss not having been allowed to say goodbye. Not being allowed to talk with him while he was still alert enough to talk. No closure. It hurts.

Today was a busy day. I went to two church Christmas fairs with Sandy and then we went to the Humprey's House for open hearth day. I worked the gift shop until 4 and then helped clean up. Then I went directly to the Elks to help with the blind veteran's dinner. Then came home to Rita's.

I wasn't even here 10 minutes when Terry came over and Rita and Tony just now are getting her home. She's a bit wasted by my God. At least now I know why she was always messed up. From the time she was 9 until she was 11 -- three years of her young life, her older brother molested her. And now she's had bouts of cancer and now has a malignant growth in her breast. God help her. She's still the beautiful little girl but now grown up and hurting so much. And she's saying she doesn't want to get a mastectomy and is accepting what comes.

Don't ever forget

This prayer:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton

I'm still at work but am going home afterward to take care of the animals and to take a shower. Then I hope to eat something and I'll meet up with Chris down at the Elks. It will be nice to do that again.

And tomorrow is four years since Allen died. And a bit of me died with him.

Could have been a bad day

But it was averted. Pino peed when Tony was alone with the dogs but Tony's ok now.

Laura texted me and said the tenants moved their bed out today. That means I'll be in soon. I'm going to ask if I can go in on the first rather than before. That will give me a few more days to get money together. I'm relying on God for the money because I can't get it myself, that's for sure.

I'm grateful that Pino is still with me! And Ruffio too. Ruffio has fleas and the poor thing has never been out of this room in two months. Geez! $40.00 for Frontline and it better work!

I'm grateful that I'll have my own place soon and I'll be able to afford it.

Missing Lou

It snowed yesterday morning and she's not here for me to call and tease. I posted our snow globe picture on Facebook instead. I believe in God and Jesus and Heaven. I know she's there with Allen and Mommy and Daddy. But I wish there was a way.......

Did I mention that Allena left me a voicemail and called me Monkey Butt yesterday on her third birthday? I miss her so much.

Grateful for having had her in my life. Grateful  my Pino is still with me. Grateful for every day that I come 'home' to Rita's house and there's no tension or problems. Grateful for God and the fact that He's taking care of me. He's listening to me and hearing me. Grateful for Fr. McGivney and the saints who hear my prayers.

I don't care

I watched Jesus Christ Superstar the other night when it was on tv and posted on Facebook about it and the fact that I have a dvd of Allen and Tim singing it. Andy came on and commented to me asking how many times I heard the three of them singing it together. And this was my reply to him today:

I can't count the times. I was blessed to be allowed to be part of your family for the time you all let me. Losing that was almost as devastating as losing him for me. But I'll never forget what there was and I'll always be grateful.

So let whoever reads that think what they want. I don't care.

Today I'm grateful for having had that. I'm grateful that Pino's not peeing all over and that the meds are working. I'm grateful my car is working. I'm grateful for the voicemail I got from Laney Bug calling me a Monkey Butt.

Holiday options

I was going to go wherever Karla and Diana are going for Thanksgiving. But Tony and Rita invited me to go to Bryce's family's house with them. And then Roseann called and invited me there for Thanksgiving and for Christmas Eve. I thanked Roseann and told her no. I can't go either day but I sure would love to!

And I decided that I'm better off this year staying down here so I'll go with Rita and Tony and leave the option for Roseann's if that falls through.

Tonight I cooked a pork roast, broccoli rabe and crashed hot potatoes. YUM!!

Full day

Went to Peggies for breakfast and helped her put plastic on her windows and blow dry them to shrink the plastic. Then we went to Savers and The Christmas Tree Shop and then back to her house for seafood pasta.

Now I'm at Rita's watching Jesus Christ Superstar. Looked up Ted Neeley and found some interesting information including, On March 9, 2004 Ted sang the soliloquy Why Must I die? from the Garden of Gethsemane scene in J C Superstar at the memorial service for Carl Anderson (Judas, JCS). I can't even imagine how moving that was.

Very good day

I like when I can write that. Very good day. Very good day.

Went out with Sandy to some church holiday fairs and it pretty much kicked off the season. I started knitting for my TOKMAS swap -- actually a little crochet -- tiny snowflakes. And I went to Shoprite and bought a 10 pound pork loin that I'm going to cut off a roast for here at Rita's and the rest will be cut up and frozen for my new place.

I bought a card and some temporary tattoos for Allena for her birthday. Wish I had money to send her a real gift.

Then Anthony came and got me and we went to Karla's for supper. Diana, James and Lea were there also. And of course my Sammy Dove. Karla made a fest -- barbecued beef ribs, homemade cole slaw with homemade dressing, a mashed potato casserole, appetizers and then we had cheesecake and panetone to celebrate Anthony making hard hat. He's going back tomorrow and will be back here on Thanksgiving.

And I ended the night with Rita dying my hair.

So it was a very good day.

Oh yes, stopped to see John about the new noise my car is making. He fixed it. Sort of. It lasted until I got a mile or so away and I didn't have time to turn back. It's nothing serious so I'll bring it back after work on Monday. There was no charge and hopefully no charge Monday.

So I'm grateful that my Pino is still with me and my car is still working. I'm grateful that I got to see my son and family. I'm grateful I have Ruffio. And I'm grateful that I want to have a relationship with my sister and am trying to keep things as calm as possible.

Another good day

My car works. My dog is alive. I came 'home' and there's no tension. What more can I ask right now?

There's a horrible hurricane that hit the Phillipenes and I don't know how the people will live through this. That's an island, I think and the winds were 248 mph. God help them all.

I'm going to the Newtown movie theater with Peggie -- whatever is playing is free. LOL!!

I'm grateful that Yvonne is improving daily. She's learning to do stairs with help. How wonderful is that??

I'm grateful that God will take care of my money situation and that He's always taking care of me

Anthony called. He's going to pick me up after I get back from going out with Sandy tomorrow and we're going to Karla's for supper.

Went to the movies and partly watch We Are The Millers. It would have been a good movie except I had to stop watching two thirds of the way through because of a freaking spider.

Computer lagging

I don't know what's the matter today but this thing is not letting some pages come up. Normal ones. I think I'll clean it up and restart it.

Today was a normal day. All things ok, thank God. It's raining and autumn in New England in the rain is so beautiful.

I'm grateful that I came here and there's no bad words or negativity. Grateful my car is still running and my dog is still alive. I'm grateful for my job and my life. :)

More gratitude

Pino is still good. I worry about him all the time now that he's 15.
My car is still fine although it's squealing differently.
I came to Rita's house all worried as usual and things were good. I still can't wait to move out though.

Can't remember if I wrote this last night, but Anita won the mayoral election. She's our first woman mayor. And Mark won town clerk. Now that I think of it, I think I might have wrote that already.

Gratitude and a new mayor

I keep forgetting. I should put at least one thing a day that I'm grateful for. Today is that my car is in working condition again and I don't have to worry about it for a few years.

Also that Pino is still with me and I still have a job.
My pay hasn't been attached yet.

Dr. Anita beat Tony tonight and is now the first woman to be elected mayor of Derby. I just wish Marc hadn't have won the election for town clerk. We just might be screwed there.

Remembering

I remember back years ago when I started writing stuff in here that I was going to put things I'm grateful for. Put something good that happened each day. How could I forget to do that?

I'd been doing novenas and one of the things I've asked for is financial freedom. Not riches or anything but just having the money I need for necessities like living expenses - being able to afford my needs and having a few dollars left over for fun/wants.

Well I believe this whole mess with Rita and Tony is part of my answered prayers. After the initial security and first month's rent, I should be well able to manage what I need to and also pay on the bankruptcy lawyer and have a few dollars left for me.

And still God watches over me. Over the weekend, for the first in a very, very long time, I had little winnings with instant lottery tickets and was able to buy some extra groceries and stuff. I checked the losers today and had $11 in tickets. Bought three more and won $50. Bought the usual and lost $19 but I'm ahead and have money for the Milestone. Also I got a check for $14 in the mail for one of those settlement things.

God IS good.

Sunday

Did laundry today and made chicken taquitos. That's all I did! Talked to Anthony. That's it.

Busy day

Went to Southbury with Sandy and picked up a few things in the consignment and thrift shops. Had the Jeep fixed -- $507 that I can't afford but God will provide. Now I should be good for awhile -- he changed the belt, did an oil change and fixed my brakes.

Baked an apple caramel swirl cake - from a mix. And am vegging out.

My Carol really thinks I will go to Florida for her wedding. I told her honestly that there's no way in hell I will step foot in a southern state or a tropical place. It would never work.

It was so warm today that right now I have one window open and the fan on low in the other.

It's after midnight

Just got home from a great night with Chris Gorzelany. We went to the Derby-Wolcott game, met up with Tommy and a bunch of other people and watched the game. Then she and I went down the Elks and later Vinny Greco and Frankie Romano came down and we talked away the night. What a good time.

Funny -- my first crush from when I was 12 was at the game, Phil. Thank God he never knew about me and Colleen. LOL!!

Dropped the Jeep off at the garage today after work. Hopefully it's repairable and not going to cost me an arm and a leg.