In 11 days it will be 40 years ago that I married Allen. I'm in the middle of a one person pity party. I irrationally think that if he were still alive, he would have come back to me and we'd be celebrating 40 years of marriage. I still can't wrap my head around him coming over on our 25th anniversary, only 15 years ago, and wishing me a happy anniversary and telling me he wanted me to take him out to dinner soon for our anniversary. And he was living with Renee at the time.
And over and over in my head I'm hearing the lyrics, "When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."
And I never had that chance and he's dead and I miss him so much. And when is this ever going to stop? I'm 64 years old! I am living a decent and happy life. Without my Allen. Maybe there never was a My Allen. I don't know.
Every so often it all hits me and the pain is unbearable. I know it will go away. But right now, at this moment, I can't stop crying and I miss the Allen I thought he was so badly my heart feels like it's really breaking.
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